The Problem with Following in a Single File

Remember as a kid when you were asked by the teacher to stand in a single file line so the class could walk the few steps to the gym for P.E.?  P.E.-wohoo!  Of course, you were more than willing to comply.  The line would begin as a straight line but the more students, who stacked behind one another, the line would begin to curve.  We all wanted to see what the first person in line would see.  The first person had a huge advantage and would not experience any elements of surprise, if any were to develop.  Not only does the line begin to curve, now the teacher demands that the line be straightened out.  Yet, the teacher requests all to review an item directly in front of her-pffft!  This is a similar scenario, I experience when walking behind my husband when hunting.

Hunting last fall, we spot a buck chasing a potential mate.  Jim, our youngest, and I exit our vehicle and quietly start our march towards them.  Jim signals to us to follow him so that we can appear as one unit rather than three up-right figures.  As we walk in a single-file line in the bottom of a ditch, Jim stops suddenly.  Then, he gets on his knees.  He turns to us and suggests for both me and our youngest to imitate his behavior.  His comment completely makes me giggle…quietly of course.  I reply with, “seriously, you are on your knees and looking at me eye-to-eye!  I’m rather positive that they are NOT seeing me.” 

              Stalking in the ditch bottom as we play follow-the-leader.

This isn’t the only time playing follow-the-leader has resulted in a comical Abbot and Costello moment.

Another incident occurred during a slight snow storm.  Well, it was a slight snow storm for me!  Jim and I are out together alone this time.  Since it was a weekday, our girls were in school.  Jim and I spot a buck and a doe peaking outside of some willows.  We exit our vehicle once again.  A previous snow storm’s deposit was still present on the ground.  We play another game of follow-the-leader.  As we are marching towards the area of interest, I begin to experience a mild-ground blizzard.  My visibility is nonexistent as I follow Jim towards the destine area.  Thankfully, I have on extra gear in addition to the required orange such as a stocking cap, a few pairs of gloves, and a wonderful face mask. 

A slight relief overwhelms me when I notice Jim abruptly stops.  Well it appeared that he abruptly stops.  He turns towards me to check if I am behind him and begins to silently giggle.  I am aware that his face doesn’t appear as though it is chilly from the mild-ground blizzard like mine is.  My hair that is noticeably peeking from under my hat is soaking wet and I can feel the water droplets on my eyelashes.   My cheeks are cold and red.  It is at this point that I realize that there is no ground blizzard!  While we were playing follow-the-leader, Ol’ Big-Foot had been making the snow deposits from on the ground become airborne impacting my vision and dampening my hair, my eye lashes, and making me chilly! 

Oh, there’s more!  This past week, we are enjoying the scenery for opening season.   It is a beautiful day regardless of the breeze.  Though, we are excited that the usual 60+mph wind has not surfaced as we attempt to cut-off two bucks we had spotted.  Jim parks our vehicle and we decide to walk to a piece of farm equipment we notice lying a distance ahead of the grazing bucks.  Once we reach the piece of equipment.  We sit behind it.  Using his range finder, Jim tells me we are 700+ yards away.  If we close the distance between us and the bucks, the field is large and there is no other cover available to use.  Additionally, the wind is not in our favor.  We decide to take the challenge. 

Slowly, we creep away from the farm equipment to a distance we view only the tip of the backs of the bucks.  We stand at the back of a small hill.  Jim suggests for us to crouch when we walk so that the bucks do not notice two standing figures.  In a hunched stance, he takes off up the hill.  I mimic his posture and I attempt to follow him.  For every one step he takes, I have to take four steps.  Gradually, I begin to lose my breath, hoping that I am close to the finish line of this apparent marathon I have been participating in against my will!  Jim stops and peers over the hill.  He points in the general direction in which the bucks are now located.  Jim tells me to look and takes another peek into his range finder.  As he is doing so, I must take another 15 steps past him…yes, FIFTEEN steps so that I can see what he is viewing fifteen steps behind me! 

Despite the advantage to walk upright while stalking in a ditch, playing follow-the-leader has a number of downfalls.  From unable to sprint up the side of a hill, to visibility issues during ground blizzards, to climbing over fences in a single bound, each adventure results in creative solutions for those who struggle with height challenges.  Keep in mind the next time you are in a situation that requires you to play follow-the-leader that the person in front of you may have an advantageous view but the one behind the leader is definitely taking blog-material notes!

       

A hunting we will go; a hunting we will go (<sing to the tune of Farmer in the Dell)

"Gear"

When a person has a passion, the passion usually requires necessary gear in order to be an active participant.  For this reason, I have concluded that the World of Hunting needs some assistance with developing appropriate gear for vertically challenged people.  Here are a few items I have discovered to be inadequate when shared between people blessed with height and people envy of the lack of it.

Recently, my husband purchased me some gators also named by our oldest daughter as circulatory enhancers.   For an individual like my husband, who is over 6 feet tall, the gators actually fit like circulatory enhancers because they lay around his ankle covering his boots and end mid-calf.  However, for a vertically challenged individual like me, the gators fit like long pant legs, beginning at my thigh-hip area and extending to my boots covering them.  The gators in the Fashion World could be referred to as half- body gators!

I tend to be a half-glass filled observer as a glass over-flowing with opportunity.  Needless to say, while out hunting, I was wearing my body gators that Jimmy bought me, which was a complete blessing in disguise.  As my boots entered into a day old fallen snow the snow would freely become airborne and fly up into my face.  This would not have been so bad but add in the airborne snow that is also generated by my husband, who was walking in front of me; it develops into a blizzard effect.  By the time we got to an area we could sit and watch my buck chasing his doe, I literally was whipping my entire face off as if I had just washed my face.  I am positive I impersonated Audrey in Christmas Vacation with her eyes frozen shut…umm, open!  When I finally was able to see, I noticed not the buck chasing his doe but my Jimmy dry as can be…fricking vertical challenges!

All I need to say about the next “gear” is shooting sticks.  Hikers:  No need to purchase hiking sticks, shooting sticks can be used for both up-hill and down-hill usage.  These things are great for multipurpose use when suffering from vertical challenge.  Think of all the money I have saved you by pointing this out! 

Other usage for this “gear” is “accidental” hitting sticks.  “Accidental” hitting sticks can only be utilized while an individual is walking behind you and if you are taller than them.   Otherwise, the “accidental” sticks are really just “tickle” sticks.  In either case, B-E-W-A-R-E, for if the individual behind you is not in a pleasant mood due to various circumstances such as hit in the nose and the eye by the sticks the individual walking in front of you is carrying, the shooting sticks suddenly become Light-Sabers!  You can kiss all quiet stalking tactics good-bye.

Thankfully, the multipurpose “gear” can be modified for various leg-heights.  That is an added bonus.  Though, it becomes even more adventurous when sitting on the side of a hill for hours overlooking the intended target below while patiently waiting for an open shot, yet, continually changing angles and positions.    Then, it is highly recommended to re-adjust the shooting stick leg- heights.  Otherwise, if the individual adjusting them for you has a 3 foot advantage, instead of the current buck hunting season you are participating in changes in a split second to duck hunting season! 

Regardless of suffering from vertical challenges, there is one piece of hunting “gear” that I have, that no other person has.   It is the only piece of equipment that I have that fits me perfectly.   I can take it with me hunting in extremely cold weather and it will keep me warm.   No, I will not share for it’s my best kept hunting gear secret.  I only share bits and pieces of it with you all.  My “gear” you all know as Jimmy, my husband! 

November 2015 The Hunter’s Wife and My BEST piece of Hunting “Gear”

In November, my hunting “gear” and I sat alongside one another on the side of a hill, patiently waiting for a buck I wanted.  Most other hunting “gears” may consider leaving after the first hour, especially when the buck decides to bed down.  Once bedding occurs, who knows how long you will be sitting there.  For me as you are all quite aware of, sitting in one spot for any length of time over a half a second is excessively challenging due to my child-like attention span.  But when my best hunting “gear” and I are together sitting for any length of time, patiently waiting, it feels like seconds.

For one, it comes natural for me to poke fun at my best piece of hunting “gear.”  He sweetly attempts to document my hunt capturing the following picture to illustrate not only the distance but the scenery we are focusing on:

He is RIGHT there!

My best hunting “gear” remarks “He’s RIGHT there!”  In which my instant sarcasm surfaces “You just know he is down there taking the same exact snap-shot of us saying, “They’re sitting, sliding the side of that ridge RIGHT there!””  HAHAA…This is only a few of the quiet laughter we share. 

Thank you to my secret Hunting “Gear” for assisting me with my harvest!

No World of Hunting; there will be no sharing the only piece of PERFECT Hunting “Gear” that this vertically challenged individual possess.  Continue to develop your Hunting “Gear” and if you’d like a vertically challenged individual to test it for you, I can be contacted at the Hunter’s Wife’s Blogspot:  http://ahunterswifesblog.blogspot.com

I look forward to hearing from you...

Small Obstacles Big Hurdles

The act of hiking allows an individual to enjoy amazing scenery that is unattainable by driving on back-roads.  Don’t get me wrong, driving on back-roads can satisfy the tantalizing craving created by part-taking in life’s daily monotony.  Though, unattainable scenery is breath-taking and it does not come without a price.  Hiking a straight up vertical to assist my hubby with retrieving Larry’s elk head from last year’s season, I begin to morph into Wile E. Coyote.  With all fours clasping onto the tree trunk I was attempting to climb over, I notice that Mother Nature humorously placed not just this one trunk to climb over BUT she placed them ALL over the side of the mountain at various angles and at various pile sizes!  I slowly crawl across the slope as my husband gingerly skips from one tree-trunk pile to the next.  It is at this point that I realize this has been the first time that I have crawled sober!  Mark another one off of my bucket list.

Half way up the straight up vertical, we find Larry’s elk.  What a beauty!

Larry's harvest last fall!  Too darn steep to bring the head with the body.

Before heading back down, we paused to take in the beautiful country that appears at the tip of our noses, literally.  The smell of freshness is absolutely amazing.  I determine that it is definitely the combination of the scenery and the sound of the rushing river at the bottom of the canyon that is icing on the cake. 

Soaking in the beauty AND resting

After many minutes of rest, we decide to head back to the other side of the canyon so we can join the girls and Soda, who were unable to continue the climb after crossing the river below.  One step; or should I say one WRONG step and descending from the climb becomes a rapid butt-ride on dirt with a mother-nature-enema!

I’d like to say that was the best part of the trip!  But, who am I kidding; our girls are some of the most comical young adults we know.  Joining the girls and Soda, our youngest asks if there are cinnamon bears.  Jimmy sadly informs her that he didn’t pack any.  Usually both Jimmy and our “little Jimmy” (youngest daughter) have the same ideas/thoughts, but with a befuddled look on her face, she looks at me to assist her for clarity in his response to her question.  Uncontrollably giggling, I inform him that she isn’t asking for cinnamon bears-the candy, but if there is cinnamon bears-the color in the area.  Oh there is more…our oldest!

In the fall, our oldest will begin the next step of her future to enter the medical world to seek a career as a neurologist.  As we were preparing the morning of the 5 mile hike with a stretch of obstacle courses, we dressed in our hiking attire.  Jimmy and I were sitting on the couch in our camper putting on our hiking boots.  Jimmy asks me to hand him the gaiters.  Our oldest is quite intrigued by the attire Jimmy puts on, points to the items, and asks him, “Are those circulatory enhancers?”  Jimmy and I quietly look at each other and then look down at his boots.  I inform her they are gaiters.  Our youngest joins the conversation with, “We don’t have gators in Wyoming!”

Wyoming Gaiters! They really do exist! 

Crossing the river and making our ascent onto the other side of the mountain, we are able to return to our original hiking destination and towards the area where our truck has been parked for a number of hours.  Of course as we walk back to our truck, I begin to notice how Jimmy and Madison do not have to climb over many of the tree trunks, if any at all, like Bailey and I.  It is like an episode from the classic, Laff-A-Lympics with commentator Snaggle Puss stating, " Welcome to Laff-A-Lympics with The Scooby Doobies and The Really Rottens gather on the field.  Exit stage left!"  <Boing>

Laff-A-Lympics-small obstacles big hurdles

The Scooby Doobies (our oldest and I) vs. The Really Rottens (our youngest and Jimmy) are all at the starting line… you know The Really Rottens cheat.  Otherwise, they would also have to hug on the fallen tree trunks while scooting across them rather than skipping leisurely from one to the next like one of Mother-Nature’s, Northeastern or Southeastern flying squirrels.  Only in The Really Rottens' case, the first, observation, potentially non-existent of its kind in the Rocky Mountains; sort of like the Sasquatch!

Northeastern or Southeaster Flying Squirrel

          Larry’s pretty lucky, retrieving his harvest skull from last year cost him one Happy Hour-Soda, Coke, from Sonic!  I am never going to tell him that we, meaning me, would have done it for nothing more than the Mlinars’ gain of another long-lasting family memory; interesting discussions that could solve our world’s problems; observations of wildlife; insurmountable wild foliage; beautiful scenery; as well as the free Mother-Nature’s enema!

This is NOT a Moose Hunt-It’s Practice!

          It has been a few months since my last blog.  It is because I have been angelically behaving myself.  Should you be laughing, I so had a hard time typing that sentence with a straight face!  BUT, I have been denying you all with a read describing my first ever hunting experience in the fall of 2014!  First, I have to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the experience.  I am uncertain if it is because I got to spend so much alone-time with my bestest (it’s an industry term) friend in the whole-wide world OR because we laughed so much; perhaps, a mixture of both.

One of the early mornings out, we arrived to an area we used for scanning for white-tails.  As we patiently waited for the sun to peek over the horizon, Jim tended to his hunting forums on his cell phone while I settled down for a quick morning investigation of my eye-lids.  Apparently, Mother-Nature decided she would see what kind of hunter I would become and what kind of weather I could tolerate for my first time ever hunting adventure.  I think she was hoping to break me early by throwing out a variety of weather obstacles.  Within seconds of parking, the radio reported, “Wind speeds are to reach 100 + miles an hour.”  Pffttt-wind!  Is that all you got Mother-Nature?  With this being reported, we basically woke-up to take our truck for a ride, allowing it to test out the supply of energy we recently supplied him with!  Dratz!

Next, Mother-Nature decided she would put down some of the most gorgeous, freshest, yet crunchiest snow to assist me with quietly stalking my potential harvest not just one day but multiple mornings and/or late afternoons.  Pfftt-snow!  I am NOT afraid to dress in multiple layers of clothing, to think warm thoughts, and/or to turn up the heater in the vehicle.  This woman grew-up in a place referred to as, “The Ice Box 0f the Nation” (This is a factual industry term; I highly advise you to Google it).    

During my first time hunting experience, I learned a lot.  Such as, snow despite it being fresh, or gorgeous, or crunchy that crap is slippery especially when climbing, straight-up-vertical!  Luckily for me, my hero was behind me and was able to stop me, with rifle in hand, from falling to my death.  AND as a double-bonus, my sailor comments were kept to a minimum-UGH!!

Additional learning solidified the idea that I have a Kindergartner mind!  My attention span is overly sharpened ONLY and I repeat ONLY when there is white-tail spotting.  Otherwise, I am contemplating in my head a variety of scenarios that potentially could occur when having in my possession some duct tape, a gum wrapper (metal kind of course), string, and a paper clip…McGuyver has NOTHING on me when it comes to ingenuity! 

Last in-depth learning I experienced, I should never double-dog-dare my hunting partner with shooting the occasional predator like a raccoon.  Then, additionally encourage him to take it home so we can boil the skull, keeping it as a show-and-tell item!  Though, the results of it are so freaking cool:
  

Double-dog-dare!

The finished product!

  Although, I didn't get the biggest of the herd, I definitely had THE BEST TIME:  laughing, double-dog-daring, and enjoying being outside with my husband and occasionally with our girls.

Show-off!

King of the hills!

Who's is Who's?!?

Good Idea

Since this is my first season of hunting, I have come across a few helpful tips of it might have been a good idea in my head but didn’t sound quite as impressive to my husband out-loud or after being performed:  The following is a written reminder for any beginning hunter:

1.     As you’re getting into gear, DON’T ask your husband, “Why do these pants make me look like Steve Urkle?”

2.     While driving to your destination, roughly 10 minutes to arrival, DON’T ask your husband, “Where’s my Hunter’s Safety card?” and for certain DON’T ask, “Have you seen my hunting license?”

3.     Apparently, white-tail deer have amazing hearing and can hear an individual singing, especially whisper-singing, while sitting in the cab of the truck.  I’m rather positive this was a ploy Jimmie and the girls contrived to get me to stop singing.  Seriously, who doesn’t LOVE the adorable Shirley Temple and her 1930’s movie Captain January good morning song of “Early Bird?”  OH, I have discovered at least three (3) people!

                                            http://youtu.be/f2rKPt0alxo

4.     DON’T start giggling as your imagination wanders to you creeping similarly to James P. Sullivan from Disney’s, Monster’s University, while following, quietly, one-very-slow-step behind Mike Wazouski (aka Jimmie) attempting NOT to disturb others or to make any noise to make the librarian angry and throw you out through the ceiling.

5.     Additionally, as you play follow-the-leader, rock hunting is NOT allowed because Jimmie DIDN’T provide you with your very own backpack like he did while putting up trail cameras.   It is as if he gained knowledge from a previous outting(s) when you  mysteriously "lost" all of the gear in the bag you were allowed to carry.

6.     A $1500 pair of binoculars is more effective for spotting bucks in the wee hours of the sun-isn’t-even-up-yet mornings than a $50 pair of binoculars are. 

a.     Though, all the nagging did result into a new pair.  It’s not a good idea to mention how you can see for miles, commenting, “oh look, the girls are up at the house,” which is at least if not more than 50 miles away!  By-the-way, thank you Jimmie for the upgraded pair J

b.     Once you are able to see through your new pair of binos, it is an important note to recall that objects appear closer than they are.  MUCH closer!! 

7.     Take a brown paper sack with you so that if you happen to miss the first shot at 300 yards with him running , you can throw your tantrum into the sack and save it for later which includes all loud-sailor slurs.

a.     A shorter distance shot, weeks later, for a first hunt is much better and helps to reduce any temper-tantrums from developing.

8.     Stalking in a ditch, stopping periodically to peek out above for a quick observation, does NOT require YOU to kneel especially when your husband is looking you eye-to-eye as HE is kneeling!

9.     BEAVERS-they are even mean when deer hunting!  Throwing their tails in the water, scaring the crap out of you as you are focusing on stalking, I mean glassing, the side of the hill.

10.    While acting co-pilot, a comment of, “James-onward!”  Is not necessarily funny to the other person (in my case, Jimmie) as it is to you;

11.   Wind at a speed of 25 mph+ dropping actual temperatures below nipple-freezing makes taking 2 steps out-side of the truck a bad idea.

12.    Always keep in mind that a younger hunter is watching every move you make and will inform Daddy of the observation while you are not present.

13.    Mixed type of fences such as Barb-wire on-top and chicken wire on-bottom & throw in a few poles are evil obstacles for short people.  Ranchers, Farmers, and the BLM randomly place them EVERYWHERE! 

14.      Cows are horrible hide-and-seek partners!

15.     A successful hunting observation does not require a comment of, “look I scared the crap outta him!”

Although it was my first season, the harvest was a mild bonus compared to the time I was able to spend with my hubby.  SO looking forward to more of it with the expectation of expanding my “Good Idea” list each year!

The Game of Tag

It began with a comment of, “If I were going to go hunting, I’d like to harvest a moose,” and went into a domino effect from there.  Next, I was surprised with an enrollment into a Hunter’s Safety Course.  I have to admit with the placing of trail cameras and being able to see wildlife such as moose, elk, and deer pose nonchalantly for our cameras, my excitement began to grow from there.   Especially, when my husband and oldest daughter brought me home a moose skull they found.  Thankfully, we were able to revisit the area to find two moose scapulas for when my magic numbers are drawn for my moose hunt.  All this excitement has come to this year-2014, which will mark the first hunt for this Hunter’s Wife.  Sadly, it is not for a moose but rather my hunt will be for a white-tail deer.

Now, this blog is normally all about my husband, but this post is more about my fears of hunting with a seasoned hunter, who in my eyes is nothing but an undiscovered sasquatch…I mean, pro.  My Jimmie, eats-sleeps-and-breaths hunting; 24-7, three hundred and sixty-five days a year an extra day in leap year, and any spare moment in-between there, he is reading insurmountable amounts of magazines, books, forum discussions, and any other hunting items/discussions he can get his hands on.  So, a newbie, like myself, has specific expectations when hunting with a pro, which includes a continuous prayer to God that PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HIT my target, in this case a white-tail.

Growing up, I played sports, which required a great detail of coordination.  On most occasions, I am not completely lacking in intelligence and for the most part, I do know when I should stay quiet.  Additionally, I have been working out like a mad-woman not because this year marks the turning of big 4-0 but so that when/if I ever draw a moose tag, I’d be able to hang with the big-boy and make hiking and hauling look like child’s play.  BUT, for whatever reason, I get into the wilderness and I turn into the character of Barney Fife.  All coordination, intelligence, and use of “in-door-voice” go out the window!  For example, we were checking our trail-cameras.  My extra-special-powers of ADHD kicked in and I began to check-out all the shiny rocks, beautiful flowers, and ooohhhh-look a butterfly! 

The over-stimulation caused me to trip over a discovery of what appeared to be moose paddles!  Shrills of excitement, jumping up and down like a little girl on the playground took over, I began to dig and holler for Jimmie in my not so good “in-door” voice, “Look what I found!  Look what I found! EEEEEKKKK!” 

 Sadly, all this excitement did not lead to moose paddles, but it did lead to other skeletal remains of an animal that Mother Nature buried over the years.  Awww-dang!

I would like you to think this has been the only incident where my excitement has taken over.  Unfortunately, my husband has a Facebook account and he does not neglect to embellish with it by over-indulgencing to our friends and family of the “interesting” fishing encounters we have had.  In my defense, the beavers insist on planting piranhas in AND to dig holes into the creek bottoms as well as place the slipperiest rocks EVER & build the most creative obstacles of tree branches around their lodges! 

          Here is the scoop…stream fishing!  It is my first time stream fishing, and my loving man purchases me some sauna pants…no, no, that’s not right…hot pants?  No, not that either…oh yes, waders!  I feel the butterflies in my belly as my excitement begins to build as we walk near the creek.  Actually, at that point I believe the belly-butterflies are my hopes of anticipation to spot or to run into a moose.  The vegetation is ideal for moose.  Quietly and slowly, Jimmie enters the creek.  I gracefully attempt to mimic his behavior by placing my foot in the water but frantically yelp, “awww-piranhas!” as fish dart into and around my ankles, making me quickly retreat my feet, which ever so slightly throws my balance off.  At least the elegant landing sort of makes me look agile.  Thank God for water and my hero Jimmie who helped me up!

Pretty sure the beavers trained the piranahs to throw-off my balance which resulted in my half dry and not so half-dry attire from the waist up!

Apparently, my incredulous balance fails me more than I’d like to admit for the act of fishing is particularly challenging.  Oh, ya, I mean-dang beavers!!  For, it is the aftermath OR perhaps even prior to part-taking in the act of fishing that leads to imbalance. 

Enters the next scoop…glacial lake fishing!  Those little buggers are so hungry, they make me appear to look like I am the next Jimmie Houston but in the female version.  Otherwise, I’d fish like the McCann brother’s, Hub (Robert Duval) and Garth (Michael Caine) from New Line Cinema’s (2003) movie, Secondhand Lion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc9RfQaJirs

The most interesting thing about glacial lake fishing is that the beavers travel so far to place the most slippery rocks around the lakes in order to keep their fish safe from predators.  Here I thought beavers only like streams, huh!  I decide I’m going to fish the opposite side of the lake rather than fish next to Jimmie.  Soda in tow, he and I head towards a little stream we have to cross to get to where I would like to fish.  As we approach, I was daydreaming about out-fishing Jimmie but I stop at the stream prior to crossing it to see where he was going.  It appears that the boots I had on were quite heavier than I had anticipated because I only landed one foot down. 

The next few moments, did not end well.  My left foot slid down the rock and my right one…I am not even sure where it went or what it was doing at this point.  My right knee stopped me from completely belly-flopping in the lake by landing onto the other rock that was peeking through the stream.  I have no idea how Jimmie held his laughter back.  I quickly jump up and began stripping off my gear, particularly, my waders.  My Barney Fife moment was to be wearing my camera between my waders and my t-shirt.  The next frantic visions were of me having to purchase a new camera and explain to our girls & Jimmie that Mommy trashed the wonderful, expensive Christmas present they gave me.  Then, there is the vision of my guardian angel with her face in her palm shaking her head from side-to-side as she heard the colorful language that flew through my womanly lips; I was doing so well!

It is a good thing that God blessed me with a wonderful, funny, and intelligent husband.  Jimmie convinced me to head back to our truck so he could nurse my thumb, which was swelling and bleeding horribly, and we could figure out what to do about my camera.  As we sat in the truck, he attempted but failed miserably to convince me to not fish the rest of the day.  Placing my camera on the dash with the heater on high, we dried out my camera and Jimmie checked out my right thumb.  The trip was not a complete loss because I did out-fish Jimmie, who felt he needed to babysit his wife as I fished around the lake and my camera managed to take one last picture for the day of my awesome catch!

Slippery rocks the beavers planted which not only attempted to remove my thumb but also attempted to take out my camera

             As you can see, this Hunter’s Wife aka Barney-etta Fife feels very nervous for my first-ever hunting trip.  I just hope that as/when I crouch to the ground glassing for white-tails that I don’t fall butt first into a pile of cactus; talk about-getting to know your significant other!

To Wear OR Not To Wear?!?

As a woman, I don’t enjoy shopping and I don’t wear heels.  My closet consists of 2 pairs of dress shoes; 8 pairs of various cowboy boots; 2 pairs of running shoes; 1 pair of crocs; and a pair of tennis shoes.   Comparing this to my husband’s hunting attire, his wardrobe consists of possessing at least 4-5 backpacks, 3-4 pairs of hunting pants, an uncountable amount of hunting shirts, and let’s not forget the 4 pairs of hunting boots, which when duct-taped together becomes our girls’ and my snow skis!  Furthermore, his hunting accessories out-number the contents that are in my make-up bag, which contain 2-eyeliners and 1-mascara.  Though, as I become more familiar with the art of hunting, I have discovered that I thoroughly enjoy watching the week-to-month long fashion show of attempting to decide which hunting bag will be the dedicated pack for this year’s season. 

It all begins with researching prior to purchase.  Researching takes weeks if not months to gather information from all the hunting forums in which a person is a member of; to compare each story to the numerous places that potentially could be holding the pack until the purchasing time.  Additionally, research is not an hour here or there.  Nope.  Not when it is my hubby and hunting is one of four vital focuses of life.  Have I ever told you how I hate the Internet and the availability of its endless access anywhere including bed, late at night, when I am trying to catch some beauty-sleep in order to get up for work the next day at 5± A.M.?  Nothing like going to bed with a night-light cast by my husband’s smart-phone or his lap-top computer next to me; BUT on a positive note, I don’t have to worry about the monsters in my closet or hiding under my bed!  I am so glad my hubby is keeping me safe. 

Cost-this is a minor detail.  The true research lies in the amount of pockets that the pack holds for all the necessary survival and/or hunting items, which theoretically could be utilized for this year’s season.  BUT never fear, because the hunter WILL think of “something” that MUST be designed and be attached (sewn) by the hunter’s wife despite the number of pockets the pack has.  For instance, a previous pack purchased didn’t have the correct durability or extensions of the side straps.  I am positive that this grandiose idea is another way my husband likes to see how creative I can be.  Sort of like the continuous, taunting, sanctified hunting list with mysteriously added items for the week-long hunting trip with Larry and Curly that sit by the Epicenter of Stupidity!  Nailed it!

Next, a noise rating & zipper test- I am not sure that “noise” rating is the actual term.   I can’t say that I have actually seen any of the tags on the pack stating “noise” rating, but I can tell you that diagnosis is a crucial part when determining whether or not the pack will be utilized during this year’s season.  Diagnosis of “noise” rating will be justified once the pack is purchased.  In conjunction with the noise rating, there is another vigorous test called the “zipper” test.  The Zipper Test is also diagnosed once the pack is purchased.  These two tests are required to be performed only when the hunter is wearing the selected pack.  Both tests are dependent on the amount of contents placed into the pack as it is being worn for hours as one walks around the house; walks up & down the stairs or around the yard; and while crawling on the floor, binos in hand, with the buffalo hide covering you.  Those elk will NEVER see or hear you coming with the hide on! 

Two months later, the purchase & the fashion show-FINALLY!   Once the pack it purchased and arrives, the fashion show begins.  As I watch my husband walk around the house, I am contemplating turning on up-beat music and taking pictures so he can strut his stuff on the cat-walk, zipping/unzipping; listening for noises; checking the body of the pack as it lies against his lower back; bending forward; and moving his hips from side-to-side, pausing every once in a while to allow the pleasing crowd to “ooohhhh” and to “aaaahhhh.”  All I would have to do is supply the commentary of, “this spectacular-pack is great for any early morning, hunt-quiet, yet durable; or perhaps a mid-afternoon hunt; but most appropriate for matching the evening hunting wear!”

   Houston, the problem is solved!!