Jim's World of Hunting

Usually, hunting is a seasonal thing EXCEPT in the Mlinar house-hold. In this part of the universe or what I like to refer to as “JIM’S WORLD,” it is an event that is held 365 days a year, 7 days a week, 24 hours a day not-necessarily-a-permit-required ritual. My husband began hunting with his parents, his grandparents, and little brother at a very young age.  In fact, I would put money on it that his first vocabulary words were “ELK”, “DEER,” “CAMO,” “GUN,” “AMMO,” and “CABELA’S.”  Probably, closely in that order! Now that he has his own family, he has brought many of the rituals to our house to include his life-long passion for hunting.  If he could convince me, the entire house would be decorated and painted in some form of camo, for blending purposes, of course.  Fortunately, he married me, who is a better cheerleader possessing an abundance of twisted humor with endless amounts making fun at his rituals, than I am a hunter.  I am a work in progress to the hunting sport, so forgive me, if I do not know it all at this point…remember slow work in progress.

Although I have started this blog now, we have already missed a lot of the hunting rituals, but no fears as there is MUCH more to discuss.  Besides, we do have 365 days a year!  Besides my twisted humor on hunting and mentally tracking my husband hunting rituals, it is important to understand WHY hunting is so important.  If you have never taken a Hunter’s Safety course or you do not hunt or eat meat, you may not find this blog quite as humorous as the carnivores around you.  I highly recommend that you either move onto other things, or enjoy reading, getting a laugh about someone else’s experience’s even if you don’t necessarily agree with them…chances are you may become offended OR you could learn something new-your choice.  

Fact is-I eat meat! I love meat! You are NOT going to find me eating twigs & bark unless I am unable to find me some luxurious, savory, onions on top with A1, slab of protein-mmm. With that being said, let’s begin our journey in “Jim’s World,” starting with a crash course in Hunter’s Safety.

My husband signed our oldest daughter and me up for Hunter’s Safety approximately 6 years ago.  I really didn’t get a say in whether or not I would sign up.  I received a text message stating, “Signed you and her up for Hunter’s Safety starting this Saturday.”  Who’d of known that a simple remark of, “Man, I think if I went hunting, I’d nail me a moose,” would have me enrolled in Hunter’s Safety.  Lesson learned on my part! During the entire course, which was about a week long, which is so much better than two weeks, I began writing down a list of names for potential poachers, who I would turn into Game and Fish for the reward monies.  Seriously, you ever sat in one of these classes? Good grief, the young, middle-age, and older people, who attend define why others like myself make fun of the sport.  In actuality, I thoroughly enjoyed the course, but I already made the mistake once of mentioning the hunting possibilities.  What the hell, would I end up doing if I stated I enjoyed going!  Since I AM a fast learner, I am keeping this comment between us!

The course had a lot of interesting points of why the sport of hunting is so important.  First and foremost, let’s not see the animals suffer from harsh winters, predators, scarce food, and depletion of land.  To get a really good idea of what I am writing, grab yourself a carpet sample.  It is roughly a 12 x 12 piece of carpet that you sample from any carpet store such as Carpet Works, Lowe’s, Home Depot, Carpet One, etc.  Stand on this one piece of carpet…ask at least 12 of your buddies to stand on it with you; and another 3; and well you get the idea.  Once it becomes overcrowded, this is the beginning of a long winter scenario.  First, over-crowding, scarce food & cover, AND let’s not forget the predators i.e. wolves, who seem to decimate entire herds just for fun.  So, now, that nice little piece of sample carpet, let’s shorten it to green-livings for the winter now occupies you, some predators, and 20 others on it.  The snow kills off at least 5 of the occupants and Mother Nature takes care of a few, which leaves you, and roughly 10 others to fight for space & cover, food, and run from the wolves.  

By the time spring comes around and babies are to be born, there could be double the wolves, less space, and hardly any cover and/or food, which leads you to starving, searching for little greens, and covering you & your baby from the harsh winter & multiplying predators. If one hunter, takes out one of the animals or perhaps if hunting wolves is an option, that is one less animal that will have to deal with the wolves, the loss of land & cover, and one less that would eat your supply of green-living quarters.  If you are one of those people, who require pictures for full understanding, please, feel free to draw it out. We will wait………….….aww, you are back.  This means a) you got the picture (no pun intended) or b) you are completely lost and have left this blog.  Hopefully, you are an “a” reader and comprehend the idea of how the sport of hunting has benefits.  Now that the lesson is over, let’s get back to my husband’s hunting rituals. B esides, it is really hard to write something comical about Mother Nature-I’m rather positive that she and Karma work hand-in-hand!

It is August. To most people, it is considered the hottest month of the year. However, to a hunter, it is the beginning of some Archery Season-WAHOO!  In the Mlinar house-hold, it is the beginning of stalking season.  Stalking season consists of almost dark night stalks at the area which you have drawn for the upcoming hunting season, which could be at least two months away, depending on whether or not you are going to attempt to hunt archery or rifle.  In either case, you will spend at least $100-$500 in gas just to stalk for possibly a month unless, you downsize your vehicle to a rice burner aka GEO tracker.  So, BE sure to save because whoever tells you hunting is not expensive sport, obviously, won the frickin lotto, OR they are newly married Blake & Miranda Shelton!

In any case, stalking consists of not returning to your house until almost 9:30± P.M. because you have to sit in your car or hike the area of interest with binoculars in hand to see if you can spot an animal that you will be hunting.  Most of the time you will spot something that you are NOT hunting, but you will thoroughly enjoy the sighting.  DON’T forget a camera so you can verify that you DID observe something no matter the specie that was stalked.

When you return home after the first night or perhaps it was the third night that week of stalking, you must before dosing off for the night to dream about that evening’s stalking events, watch at least one horn-porn.  Horn-porns are hunting movies that involve men dressed in camo attire, talking softly, holding rifles and/or bow & arrows, breathing heavy while hunting, AND then yelling like a little school girl on the playground in high shrills, “eww, I got it!.” I know you are imagining yellow pigtails and bobbysocks at this point. My favorite horn-porn is ones that involve Michael Wadell.  My husband’s horn-porn is, well, everything. He is not really that picky. However, he has seemed to be an Eastman’s lover or a Big Bull or something-like-that kind of guy.  One Christmas, Santa fed his fetish by stuffing his stockings with horn-porn.  Santa could really use an ass-kicking!