Good Idea

Since this is my first season of hunting, I have come across a few helpful tips of it might have been a good idea in my head but didn’t sound quite as impressive to my husband out-loud or after being performed:  The following is a written reminder for any beginning hunter:

1.     As you’re getting into gear, DON’T ask your husband, “Why do these pants make me look like Steve Urkle?”

2.     While driving to your destination, roughly 10 minutes to arrival, DON’T ask your husband, “Where’s my Hunter’s Safety card?” and for certain DON’T ask, “Have you seen my hunting license?”

3.     Apparently, white-tail deer have amazing hearing and can hear an individual singing, especially whisper-singing, while sitting in the cab of the truck.  I’m rather positive this was a ploy Jimmie and the girls contrived to get me to stop singing.  Seriously, who doesn’t LOVE the adorable Shirley Temple and her 1930’s movie Captain January good morning song of “Early Bird?”  OH, I have discovered at least three (3) people!

                                            http://youtu.be/f2rKPt0alxo

4.     DON’T start giggling as your imagination wanders to you creeping similarly to James P. Sullivan from Disney’s, Monster’s University, while following, quietly, one-very-slow-step behind Mike Wazouski (aka Jimmie) attempting NOT to disturb others or to make any noise to make the librarian angry and throw you out through the ceiling.

5.     Additionally, as you play follow-the-leader, rock hunting is NOT allowed because Jimmie DIDN’T provide you with your very own backpack like he did while putting up trail cameras.   It is as if he gained knowledge from a previous outting(s) when you  mysteriously "lost" all of the gear in the bag you were allowed to carry.

6.     A $1500 pair of binoculars is more effective for spotting bucks in the wee hours of the sun-isn’t-even-up-yet mornings than a $50 pair of binoculars are. 

a.     Though, all the nagging did result into a new pair.  It’s not a good idea to mention how you can see for miles, commenting, “oh look, the girls are up at the house,” which is at least if not more than 50 miles away!  By-the-way, thank you Jimmie for the upgraded pair J

b.     Once you are able to see through your new pair of binos, it is an important note to recall that objects appear closer than they are.  MUCH closer!! 

7.     Take a brown paper sack with you so that if you happen to miss the first shot at 300 yards with him running , you can throw your tantrum into the sack and save it for later which includes all loud-sailor slurs.

a.     A shorter distance shot, weeks later, for a first hunt is much better and helps to reduce any temper-tantrums from developing.

8.     Stalking in a ditch, stopping periodically to peek out above for a quick observation, does NOT require YOU to kneel especially when your husband is looking you eye-to-eye as HE is kneeling!

9.     BEAVERS-they are even mean when deer hunting!  Throwing their tails in the water, scaring the crap out of you as you are focusing on stalking, I mean glassing, the side of the hill.

10.    While acting co-pilot, a comment of, “James-onward!”  Is not necessarily funny to the other person (in my case, Jimmie) as it is to you;

11.   Wind at a speed of 25 mph+ dropping actual temperatures below nipple-freezing makes taking 2 steps out-side of the truck a bad idea.

12.    Always keep in mind that a younger hunter is watching every move you make and will inform Daddy of the observation while you are not present.

13.    Mixed type of fences such as Barb-wire on-top and chicken wire on-bottom & throw in a few poles are evil obstacles for short people.  Ranchers, Farmers, and the BLM randomly place them EVERYWHERE! 

14.      Cows are horrible hide-and-seek partners!

15.     A successful hunting observation does not require a comment of, “look I scared the crap outta him!”

Although it was my first season, the harvest was a mild bonus compared to the time I was able to spend with my hubby.  SO looking forward to more of it with the expectation of expanding my “Good Idea” list each year!

The Game of Tag

It began with a comment of, “If I were going to go hunting, I’d like to harvest a moose,” and went into a domino effect from there.  Next, I was surprised with an enrollment into a Hunter’s Safety Course.  I have to admit with the placing of trail cameras and being able to see wildlife such as moose, elk, and deer pose nonchalantly for our cameras, my excitement began to grow from there.   Especially, when my husband and oldest daughter brought me home a moose skull they found.  Thankfully, we were able to revisit the area to find two moose scapulas for when my magic numbers are drawn for my moose hunt.  All this excitement has come to this year-2014, which will mark the first hunt for this Hunter’s Wife.  Sadly, it is not for a moose but rather my hunt will be for a white-tail deer.

Now, this blog is normally all about my husband, but this post is more about my fears of hunting with a seasoned hunter, who in my eyes is nothing but an undiscovered sasquatch…I mean, pro.  My Jimmie, eats-sleeps-and-breaths hunting; 24-7, three hundred and sixty-five days a year an extra day in leap year, and any spare moment in-between there, he is reading insurmountable amounts of magazines, books, forum discussions, and any other hunting items/discussions he can get his hands on.  So, a newbie, like myself, has specific expectations when hunting with a pro, which includes a continuous prayer to God that PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE HIT my target, in this case a white-tail.

Growing up, I played sports, which required a great detail of coordination.  On most occasions, I am not completely lacking in intelligence and for the most part, I do know when I should stay quiet.  Additionally, I have been working out like a mad-woman not because this year marks the turning of big 4-0 but so that when/if I ever draw a moose tag, I’d be able to hang with the big-boy and make hiking and hauling look like child’s play.  BUT, for whatever reason, I get into the wilderness and I turn into the character of Barney Fife.  All coordination, intelligence, and use of “in-door-voice” go out the window!  For example, we were checking our trail-cameras.  My extra-special-powers of ADHD kicked in and I began to check-out all the shiny rocks, beautiful flowers, and ooohhhh-look a butterfly! 

The over-stimulation caused me to trip over a discovery of what appeared to be moose paddles!  Shrills of excitement, jumping up and down like a little girl on the playground took over, I began to dig and holler for Jimmie in my not so good “in-door” voice, “Look what I found!  Look what I found! EEEEEKKKK!” 

 Sadly, all this excitement did not lead to moose paddles, but it did lead to other skeletal remains of an animal that Mother Nature buried over the years.  Awww-dang!

I would like you to think this has been the only incident where my excitement has taken over.  Unfortunately, my husband has a Facebook account and he does not neglect to embellish with it by over-indulgencing to our friends and family of the “interesting” fishing encounters we have had.  In my defense, the beavers insist on planting piranhas in AND to dig holes into the creek bottoms as well as place the slipperiest rocks EVER & build the most creative obstacles of tree branches around their lodges! 

          Here is the scoop…stream fishing!  It is my first time stream fishing, and my loving man purchases me some sauna pants…no, no, that’s not right…hot pants?  No, not that either…oh yes, waders!  I feel the butterflies in my belly as my excitement begins to build as we walk near the creek.  Actually, at that point I believe the belly-butterflies are my hopes of anticipation to spot or to run into a moose.  The vegetation is ideal for moose.  Quietly and slowly, Jimmie enters the creek.  I gracefully attempt to mimic his behavior by placing my foot in the water but frantically yelp, “awww-piranhas!” as fish dart into and around my ankles, making me quickly retreat my feet, which ever so slightly throws my balance off.  At least the elegant landing sort of makes me look agile.  Thank God for water and my hero Jimmie who helped me up!

Pretty sure the beavers trained the piranahs to throw-off my balance which resulted in my half dry and not so half-dry attire from the waist up!

Apparently, my incredulous balance fails me more than I’d like to admit for the act of fishing is particularly challenging.  Oh, ya, I mean-dang beavers!!  For, it is the aftermath OR perhaps even prior to part-taking in the act of fishing that leads to imbalance. 

Enters the next scoop…glacial lake fishing!  Those little buggers are so hungry, they make me appear to look like I am the next Jimmie Houston but in the female version.  Otherwise, I’d fish like the McCann brother’s, Hub (Robert Duval) and Garth (Michael Caine) from New Line Cinema’s (2003) movie, Secondhand Lion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc9RfQaJirs

The most interesting thing about glacial lake fishing is that the beavers travel so far to place the most slippery rocks around the lakes in order to keep their fish safe from predators.  Here I thought beavers only like streams, huh!  I decide I’m going to fish the opposite side of the lake rather than fish next to Jimmie.  Soda in tow, he and I head towards a little stream we have to cross to get to where I would like to fish.  As we approach, I was daydreaming about out-fishing Jimmie but I stop at the stream prior to crossing it to see where he was going.  It appears that the boots I had on were quite heavier than I had anticipated because I only landed one foot down. 

The next few moments, did not end well.  My left foot slid down the rock and my right one…I am not even sure where it went or what it was doing at this point.  My right knee stopped me from completely belly-flopping in the lake by landing onto the other rock that was peeking through the stream.  I have no idea how Jimmie held his laughter back.  I quickly jump up and began stripping off my gear, particularly, my waders.  My Barney Fife moment was to be wearing my camera between my waders and my t-shirt.  The next frantic visions were of me having to purchase a new camera and explain to our girls & Jimmie that Mommy trashed the wonderful, expensive Christmas present they gave me.  Then, there is the vision of my guardian angel with her face in her palm shaking her head from side-to-side as she heard the colorful language that flew through my womanly lips; I was doing so well!

It is a good thing that God blessed me with a wonderful, funny, and intelligent husband.  Jimmie convinced me to head back to our truck so he could nurse my thumb, which was swelling and bleeding horribly, and we could figure out what to do about my camera.  As we sat in the truck, he attempted but failed miserably to convince me to not fish the rest of the day.  Placing my camera on the dash with the heater on high, we dried out my camera and Jimmie checked out my right thumb.  The trip was not a complete loss because I did out-fish Jimmie, who felt he needed to babysit his wife as I fished around the lake and my camera managed to take one last picture for the day of my awesome catch!

Slippery rocks the beavers planted which not only attempted to remove my thumb but also attempted to take out my camera

             As you can see, this Hunter’s Wife aka Barney-etta Fife feels very nervous for my first-ever hunting trip.  I just hope that as/when I crouch to the ground glassing for white-tails that I don’t fall butt first into a pile of cactus; talk about-getting to know your significant other!

To Wear OR Not To Wear?!?

As a woman, I don’t enjoy shopping and I don’t wear heels.  My closet consists of 2 pairs of dress shoes; 8 pairs of various cowboy boots; 2 pairs of running shoes; 1 pair of crocs; and a pair of tennis shoes.   Comparing this to my husband’s hunting attire, his wardrobe consists of possessing at least 4-5 backpacks, 3-4 pairs of hunting pants, an uncountable amount of hunting shirts, and let’s not forget the 4 pairs of hunting boots, which when duct-taped together becomes our girls’ and my snow skis!  Furthermore, his hunting accessories out-number the contents that are in my make-up bag, which contain 2-eyeliners and 1-mascara.  Though, as I become more familiar with the art of hunting, I have discovered that I thoroughly enjoy watching the week-to-month long fashion show of attempting to decide which hunting bag will be the dedicated pack for this year’s season. 

It all begins with researching prior to purchase.  Researching takes weeks if not months to gather information from all the hunting forums in which a person is a member of; to compare each story to the numerous places that potentially could be holding the pack until the purchasing time.  Additionally, research is not an hour here or there.  Nope.  Not when it is my hubby and hunting is one of four vital focuses of life.  Have I ever told you how I hate the Internet and the availability of its endless access anywhere including bed, late at night, when I am trying to catch some beauty-sleep in order to get up for work the next day at 5± A.M.?  Nothing like going to bed with a night-light cast by my husband’s smart-phone or his lap-top computer next to me; BUT on a positive note, I don’t have to worry about the monsters in my closet or hiding under my bed!  I am so glad my hubby is keeping me safe. 

Cost-this is a minor detail.  The true research lies in the amount of pockets that the pack holds for all the necessary survival and/or hunting items, which theoretically could be utilized for this year’s season.  BUT never fear, because the hunter WILL think of “something” that MUST be designed and be attached (sewn) by the hunter’s wife despite the number of pockets the pack has.  For instance, a previous pack purchased didn’t have the correct durability or extensions of the side straps.  I am positive that this grandiose idea is another way my husband likes to see how creative I can be.  Sort of like the continuous, taunting, sanctified hunting list with mysteriously added items for the week-long hunting trip with Larry and Curly that sit by the Epicenter of Stupidity!  Nailed it!

Next, a noise rating & zipper test- I am not sure that “noise” rating is the actual term.   I can’t say that I have actually seen any of the tags on the pack stating “noise” rating, but I can tell you that diagnosis is a crucial part when determining whether or not the pack will be utilized during this year’s season.  Diagnosis of “noise” rating will be justified once the pack is purchased.  In conjunction with the noise rating, there is another vigorous test called the “zipper” test.  The Zipper Test is also diagnosed once the pack is purchased.  These two tests are required to be performed only when the hunter is wearing the selected pack.  Both tests are dependent on the amount of contents placed into the pack as it is being worn for hours as one walks around the house; walks up & down the stairs or around the yard; and while crawling on the floor, binos in hand, with the buffalo hide covering you.  Those elk will NEVER see or hear you coming with the hide on! 

Two months later, the purchase & the fashion show-FINALLY!   Once the pack it purchased and arrives, the fashion show begins.  As I watch my husband walk around the house, I am contemplating turning on up-beat music and taking pictures so he can strut his stuff on the cat-walk, zipping/unzipping; listening for noises; checking the body of the pack as it lies against his lower back; bending forward; and moving his hips from side-to-side, pausing every once in a while to allow the pleasing crowd to “ooohhhh” and to “aaaahhhh.”  All I would have to do is supply the commentary of, “this spectacular-pack is great for any early morning, hunt-quiet, yet durable; or perhaps a mid-afternoon hunt; but most appropriate for matching the evening hunting wear!”

   Houston, the problem is solved!!

 

A Daddy’s Twinkling Eye

In my profession, I visit remote locations around Wyoming.  Often times, I can piss people off just by saying I am the Hunter’s Wife and I represent my employer; my purpose of my visit; and as a bonus I provide each company a “free” target (aka business card) for their dart-board.   However, sometimes, I meet some rather enjoyable people too.  For instance, after an intense meeting discussing corrective actions to be made by a company to demonstrate compliance, I observed the representative wearing an elk-tooth ring.  Therefore, once our work business was concluded, I asked him how big the elk was he harvested.  At first, he was shocked by my question.  So, I pointed to the ring on his right hand.  A huge grin formed on his face as he told me that his wife gave it to him for their 25^th Anniversary.  Then, he proceeded to inform me that he did not have a lucky season but his 16-year-old daughter did. 

As the gentleman was showing me a picture of his daughter’s magnificent harvest and telling their hunting story, I was captivated by the familiar twinkle in his eyes as it is one I have observed in my husband’s eyes whenever he shares stories and pictures of our daughters’ hunts.  The twinkle also sparked a story my husband told from this fall’s bow-hunting season about his and our oldest daughter’s hunting adventure. 

It all started when my husband purchased one trail camera, which turned rapidly into three.  We took many weekend-hiking trips prior to start of  bow season to place the cameras around the area our oldest daughter drew.    I’d like to report that Taylor Swift music did not occupy my thoughts as my husband was showing me on a map where he and our oldest would be stalking, I mean hunting.  The hiking area was, however, a very busy place with many shiny rocks, pretty flowers, and an occupied hornet’s nest-all items which made this ADD, nature’s clepto-E-X-C-I-T-E-D!

It is for this reason that I have concluded that there is an apparent difference in what mine and my husband’s theories are for the purpose of a backpack.  He believes it is necessary to carry a backpack for “necessary” items such as water, snacks, some other survival gear, and batteries for the trail cameras; while my view is a few extra pounds on my back, which at first was full of “necessary” items, may have been left somewhere in the mountains in order to fit a very beautiful white-granite rock in its place.  It would look marvelous in my flower garden at home.   Besides, he had “necessary” goodies his backpack too.  We could share!

So, after placing the cameras in various locations, we gathered some amazing pictures:

A bear butt-haahaahaa

 

   

The one that was being stalked during bow season

One of many that made the Hunter's Wife shriek with excitement!!!

AND another shriek from the Hunter's Wife

This one is obviously too sexy for his antlers!

Though, the bow season did not produce a harvest for our daughter, it did provide an exciting opportunity for her and Jimmie who both found themselves in the middle of an elk herd; observing elk less than 5 yards away; chirping cows; and also watching other elk playing in the meadow together.   SAWEET!

Our oldest making hunting look good

The purchase of the cameras also allowed Jimmie to create a “little” 12-year-old hunting-monster also known as our youngest daughter, who during her first year of white-tail hunting out-hunted both her Daddy and her big sister!    

Jimmie's harvest

Our oldest daughter's harvest

Oh yea-the 12-year old showing off....

 

 and again, she ROCKED it!!

Jimmie, our youngest, our oldest, and Soda deciding which one to lick first!

It is quite enjoyable to hear our girls say, “I can’t WAIT to go hunting with Daddy!”  I just hope they add the same enthusiasm when I out hunt them all in 2014!

 

Wishing all my blog readers a Prosperous, a Healthy, and a Happy New Year!

Renaming The Hunting Crew

Since having Gazoo join the hunting squad, I’ve decided that the crew’s name must be changed to the Three Stooges.  I think I’ll change Barney’s name to Larry; Gazoo will be Curly; and Jimmie will be Moe.  Let me elaborate on why…for multiple-weeks preparing for the week-long hunting trip over Bryel Day, I watched Jimmie prepare many hunting lists:  one for food, one for gear, and I swear I seen one for “scaring the crap outta Barney i.e. keep him out after dark and make bear calls.” 

Subsequently, I decided since I was politely asked to make potato soup and zucchini bread for the crew for their trip that I would also put my own list for rules to abide by if one desires to sleep and to eat in my… I mean ‘our’ new, one –year-old camper.  Here is my list:

Rules for The Hunter’s Wife’s Mlinar’s Camper

1)    NO sleeping with the owner! 

All parties must sleep in their assigned/designated bunk-beds;

-extra blankets can be made available by the camper’s owner via cell phone to The Hunter’s Wife’s cell number for a deposit of 1-44 ounce soda (preferably coke cola) from Sonic;

2)    NO drinking wussy beer aka COORS!

-if participating in drinking ONLY 1-12 once beer each evening, otherwise, there will be an intervention

-not naming any one in particular but you know who you are, Larry aka Barney!

3)    NO driving or backing into The Hunter’s Wife’s camper!

-not naming any one particular but you know who you are, Curly aka Gazoo!

4)    IF any sheds are found, those sheds will immediately become the owner of The Hunter’s Wife’s property!

5)    NO stinking up The Hunter’s Wife’s camper with activities such as any type of smoking

-not naming of any one in particular but you know who you are, Curly aka Gazoo!

6)    MUST bring back material for The Hunter’s Wife’s blog!

7)    GOOD LUCK & HAVE A GREAT TIME!! 

I thought my list was awesome!  Apparently, item #4 was not a big hit.  I’m flexible, though, I’d allow Larry and Curly to come to the house for supervised ‘Shed Visits’ and even allow minimal fondling. 

As for item #5, Moe and Larry provided Curly with more than one daily death march through terrain that encouraged Curly to become a non-smoker.  OR perhaps Curly was encouraged by the unstoppable, loud hacking he was doing while Larry and Moe suggested for him to shut-up. 

 

Photo courtesy of:

https://www.google.com/search?q=the+three+stooges&rlz=1T4SAVJ_enUS516US516&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=nja2UsGcA6iiyAH3xoGoAw&ved=0CLMBEIke&biw=1280&bih=595&dpr=1#imgdii=_

OR possibly, it was the loosely thrown around threats made...ones that brought back memories as a young kid in the backseat of their parent’s car, bickering with their siblings, annoying their parents who threatens, “Don’t make me turn this car around or I will…!” 

          Despite the numerous spotting of sows and cubs as well as a HUGE boar, Larry had an exciting, successful harvest!  Moe and Curly provided assistance and basked in Larry’s success.

Photo:  Nice Hunt Larry!!

In conclusion, the crew HAD to under-go a much needed name change!  Additionally, some more good news:   there were no interventions required for Larry!  However, next year, I may need to add a few more rules; make the list more specific in directions; and attempt to bring out my inner-boy when alternating the list because Larry & Curly were more than willing to point out to Moe, daily, “She didn’t put it on the list!” 

           

 

Hunting with Daddy

Yesterday was opening bow season for our oldest...it was filled with fresh air and excitement!

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMOIoo5obMs

Bryel Day Hunt

As the years go by, the month of September is one that I would rather skip but because that is out of my control, the healthier coping strategies that the Mlinars’ have developed over the years are continuously improving.  For those joining A Hunter’s Wife’s Blog, please, feel free to catch up by reading a previous posted blog at http://ahunterswifesblog.blogspot.com/2011/09/we-interrupt-this-hunting-season-to.html.

Prior to not spending Bryel Day with me and the girls, Jimmie had asked if it would be okay for him to spend bow season with Barney, hunting.  Of course, I know what hunting and being out in God’s church means to him.  Besides, we would be celebrating that weekend in Estes Park.  So, as we have for the past 12 years, the girls and I celebrated Bryel Day by releasing balloons and laying flowers:

 Celebrating Bryel Day

While Jimmie and Barney experienced two eventful weeks hunting.  The first week, they walked up and down mountains bugling in elk.  Barney complained to Jimmie about the cold camper he was staying in and Jimmie attempted to catch every field mouse in the woods!  I was so glad that they decided to come home for the weekend.  Plus, I think the girls were glad Mommy was preoccupied by Daddy being home and had taken the weekend off from waking them both up with my morning singing.  Additionally, I missed my Jimmie.  Then Sunday evening, the guys returned to the mountains for some more hunting. 

On Bryel Day (September 18), as usual, Jimmie and Barney were up early.  Barney decided to walk more up the mountain while Jimmie stayed behind to bugle and patiently wait.  Their strategy so paid off!

Successful Hunt on Bryel Day

As a result of the successful hunting trip on Bryel Day, this year will mark the 2^nd anniversary that Barney and Jimmie will be dressed in camo, walking around the mountains to hunt.  They also will be accompanied by the newest member of the hunting party, The Great Gazoo.  Hopefully, Bryel will assist you all by pushing the great Wapiti to you-Happy Hunting!!